Hope is something hard to define, a feeling, a yearing that things are generally getting better. I used to have an abundant supply of hope when I first started my journey into sobriety. However, now in my second year, I am losing hope and confidence in myself…
Things could be better in my life, my medications are showing side effects that I didn’t experience before, I could have a girlfriend, I could have more friends, but overall life is good. I got a new job where I make more money than I ever have before. I have a few close friends who are honest and drug-free. I have stuck to and continue to perform a fairly rigorous weight lifting routine. Then why do I feel so down?
I think I have just been used to having something bad in my life (i.e. drugs) that I’m always looking for things to bring me back to my baseline of sad and depressed. When I first got sober, everything was new and exciting, albeit painful, but I was full of hope. I was happy and that energy radiated out of me and affected everyone I met. Nowadays, I’m not rude or anything, but I can tell my energy is…different. I’m realizing at least one factor in that, the loss of hope.
I no longer feel the world is getting better. I am constantly let down by my expectations. Things are technically very good, but I feel dead inside. It is complicated, but I know if I were to exercise my hope muscle or do my daily everything will get better stretches, I would be much, much happier.
I have almost completely stopped smoking pot. I haven’t bought or had any of my own in months. I stopped smoking cigarettes, and most importantly, I do not use drugs. These are all achievements in their own right, and I haven’t given myself any credit once again, I focus on the bad instead of the good.
I’ve also recently realized some friends that I thought were great friends actually put me down constantly and manipulate me. I am a naturally caring, kind person, and they take advantage of that. So I am going to cut them out of my life and hopefully that will take care of some of this self-hatred I feel. I am constantly reminded that I don’t ‘man up’ in their eyes and it hasn’t been benefiting me. They are extreme potheads, lost in their own narcissistic behaviors and they don’t really see reality for what it is. they also don’t know how to treat their friends. I used to think cannabis was harmless, and maybe with a select few it is, but they live in their pot-addled world and when I got out of it I saw them for what they really are- lazy stoners. I had thought since they don’t do hard drugs they’re good people, but this is not true.
I needed to get that out, to say goodbye to the friends that I know and love for a long time, but in the past few years we have walked different paths in our lives, and they are not ready to jump to mine. I hope they do, but I doubt it.
I will use hope to better my circumstances. Hope that things will get better. That I find that girlfriend. That I might meet a nice, loving, and caring group of people I would be happy to call my friends. in the meantime, I’m going to use those stretches to train myself to know, not think, that everything will and is getting better every day. Life is a fucking rollercoaster, and I want to be excited for the next turn, not fearful. The future is bright, and life will work itself out soon. Because I have faith.
I think faith and hope are related but different. I’ve used the terms loosely, but hope is wishing something good will happen. Faith is knowing something good will happen. I just need to stay in the moment, not listen to hater friends, and keep my faith that something, someone is looking out for me and that if I do my absolute best, things will work out. I hope you all have your own faith and it brings you joy, happiness, and peace.