Honesty

Hey all,

 

I have some real stuff to get out here. I am going to be honest with myself and with the internet, in order to hold myself accountable and continue on my path. My sober date is 6.4.2016. I say sober date with apprehension. A better title would be, ‘my last day using heroin’ because I have been ‘unsober’ many times after that. Now, I haven’t done any hard drugs, but smoking cannabis is something that I’ve used as a crutch for a while.

When I first started my sober journey, I was just that-sober. I didn’t do anything except what the doctor ordered. However, I moved out of my parent’s house about 6 months after the start of it. after that, I had no one watching me, seeing when I would go out. No one to smell me when I came home high and lecture me. nope. It was just me and my roommates. So, I gradually started smoking and gradually stopped working out- the one thing I love most in my sober life, and the thing that keeps me happy and controlled. I slipped into this funk, I would do my stuff, go to school/work/internship, come home, and smoke until my eyes were red as apples, pass out, and repeat. I didn’t think much of it. but then school got real. And I was so out of it I couldn’t get my assignments done on time.

I started handing in things late and had to request a medical excuse for withdrawing from my classes- because I had missed the withdrawal deadline. This meant I wouldn’t graduate on time with the people with whom I had gone to school with the entire time. This got me in more of a funk, and what did I do? Realize that pot was making me lazy, unproductive, antisocial, and unhappy? Nope. Instead I doubled up on my cannabis use in order to cope with the pain.

Fast forward to the next semester. I had decided to only take 2 classes because I didn’t want a repeat of last semester. Long story short, I never stopped smoking after a few attempts, and failed out of school. Heartbroken. Shocked. Depressed. Suicidal. I’m still recovering from these things I’ve done. I’m still working on myself and trying to get through everyday sober. But I have learned a few things on this stupid journey I took myself on. I can’t smoke. I can’t smoke because it makes me stupid. I can’t smoke because it makes me lazy. I can’t smoke because I don’t act like myself when I am smoking. I realized this very late, but better late than never I guess.

I’m writing this because I am going to give up smoking pot for good. I just can’t do it. over the past few months, I have slowly cut my use down from every second of every day to twice a week. But now, I am on one full week without using, and I definitely feel the difference. Where this is the time I would usually smoke my thoughts away, I did not this time. I have started a pretty strict workout regimen, which helps me immensely. I’ve told all of you my plans. And I will be honest. If I slip up, I’ll let you know. but I know if I just go one day at a time, I can do it. Peace and love guys. Wish me luck!

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