In sober life, we all go through times in which I call “moments of clarity”. I’ve had many myself and they usually come right when a difficult decision has to be made, or during times of extreme stress- usually emotional. Well, I had a big one today. It is the kind of feeling like finding the last puzzle piece of a jigsaw puzzle. It’s been in front of you the whole time, but you’ve just never noticed it.
Mine came when I was reading a book called ‘Models’ by Mark Manson. I realized that I have been ignoring my ‘truths’. That I am living a lie. That my self and my existence are not congruent. The thought terrified and excited and calmed me all at the same time.
Now, we all have our own reasons for using substances/drinking, but I think we are all the same in some ways. We do not speak/act our truths. For instance, I love to draw. I love to paint. I love hiking in the woods. I love working out. I love to write. And yet, my career has absolutely nothing to do with those things. I don’t do them nearly as often as I’d like. If I love it, then why am I not doing it?
I want to be passionate about my career. I want to be passionate about my life, about who I am and I don’t want to hide my feelings anymore. I noticed that I lie to myself everywhere I look. When I don’t stand up for myself when people cross my boundaries, I am not being honest with myself. I lie to myself, “It’s okay, they had a bad day, that’s why they flew off the handle when I did nothing wrong”.
Honesty and vulnerability go hand in hand. Being vulnerable is simply you being honest with yourself and everyone else. I tend to hold back my feelings a lot in relationships, or just potential ones. For example, there’s a girl I like. Instead of being honest and telling her, “I think you are one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. You are so loving, fun, tough, gentle, and down to earth. You have a great sense of humor. Your ass is absolutely amazing (Hey, I am a guy). I feel lighter when you walk into a room and it gives me butterflies when I look into your perfect hazel eyes. It is hard for me to explain my attraction to you in words, but I just had to tell you because I feel strongly about this. I expect nothing in return.”
Did I say that? Nope. Instead, I was awkward around her and my attraction turned into something ugly over time to the point where we will never be together. I lied to myself and to her, I tried to play games but failed, and I ended up hating myself just a bit more. But at least I know now, and I’m going to use this as my mantra from now on- “speak your truth” or “be vulnerable”. It might get me in trouble sometimes. It may get people mad at me. But that’s okay. I will be happier with myself because I said it. I love myself, and that’s all that matters.
Thanks to whoever reads this. I hope I made your day a little brighter. Peace and love. And truth