I truly enjoy the daytime, especially the mornings, when the sun is bright and the day is full of possibilities. I get to enjoy my coffee, exercise and socialize. However, when the sun goes down I toss and turn in my bed. I try to go to bed at a decent time, 10-11pm, but instead of blissfully passing into unconsciousness, my mind runs uncontrollably. Like a hamster on a wheel, I think and think, and the momentum of my thoughts provokes more thoughts to occur. I would say this is only due to my sobriety, but the truth is I’ve had sleeping problems for as long as I can remember.
I remember being 5 years old. I remember being terrified of the dark, laying in my bed alone and afraid. Unable to move, I would lay there for hours until I was so tired that I passed out. Sleep has always been my enemy. When others see it as a relaxing, rejuvenating time, I greet it with dread.
I seem to rely on medications now in order to sleep, but the sleep is not real. It is more like being tranquilized for eight hours. I want to be able to sleep on my own. I don’t mind taking 20 minutes before sleep while lying in bed, but my average of 2 to 3 hours is painful.
One thing I know has an effect on my sleep is my coffee consumption. whereas I used to get a buzz from drugs, coffee is now my go-to mood enhancer. It helped me quit cigarettes, and helped my fatigue from opiate withdrawal. However, I think it has now become a detriment to my physical and mental health. I can drink anywhere from 3 to 11 cups a day. At work, a well-known coffee establishment, I am provided free coffee for 8 hours. That is a tempting offer to an addict, and I make use of it.
No more coffee. No more espresso. That is something I can control easily. Much easier than the thoughts rolling around in my head. I will limit myself to 3 cups today and hopefully, it will help.