Hey guys/gals! Welcome to my addiction blog. My hopes are to inspire others to regain their lives and stop depending on chemicals to get through life by sharing my own struggles, failures, and successes. And if no one actually reads this, I will gain a better understanding of myself so either way I win.
My name is Alan, I’m a 29 year old dude from the suburbs of central Jersey. I’ve been abusing substances since I was about 13 years old. I started off smoking pot on the weekends and drinking occasionally, with a couple cigarettes per day. It got worse once I obtained my driver’s license. Now I could go anywhere, do anything. and of course I used this freedom to do as many drugs as I possibly could. By the end of high school I was smoking weed daily, drinking nearly everyday (ahh, those days when hangovers didn’t exist), and on a half pack to a pack of cigs daily.
I loved it all, but my favorite at the time was drinking. I drank more in high school than I did in college. And I DRANK in college. I would black out nearly every time I drank. Thinking back on it, it wasn’t even fun. I mean, I would go to partied, get blitzed in less than an hour, black out, and wake up in my bed. Then the shame would hit. I would have to look out my window to make sure my car was OK, because of course I would drive home every night. To this day I cannot drink, because who can stop at just one? And now that I’m an old fart, my hangovers are like death. Comparable to dope sickness if I had an especially rowdy night.
Anyway, back to high school. After getting my car/license, my access to harder drugs expanded. I experimented with cocaine, ecstacy (these were the days before molly), ketamine, mushrooms, adderall, benzodiazepines (mostly xanax), DXM (robo-trippin), and of course my favorite and eventually my downfall: oxycodone 30 mg “blues”. These drugs were all fun, but nothing compared to the bliss of those tiny blue pills, of that blanket that washes over me and lets me know that everything is alright. however, due to lack of money and solid connections, I could not get it regularly and therefore did not develop a tolerance. This is one of the things I am grateful for. If I had become dependent on opiates during those years, quitting would have been much much harder for me. I have a lot of respect for those people who have started any drug at such a young age and are able to overcome it.
During my high school years, although I didn’t abuse hard drugs on the reg, I was obviously showing signs of becoming a future substance abuser. But I never sought help, because I didn’t think I had a problem. I thought I was on top of the world. “I could stop anytime I want” I thought, so when that time came, I would simply stop and be OK. Fuck was I wrong. I wish I had someone who knew what I was going through at the time. someone who could interact with me on a level of respect and concern and love. instead of flipping out on me whenever I got caught, like my Mother did. It amplified my shame and guilt, which I would cover up with drugs/alcohol. Gotta love that self-destructive cycle. My mission in life is to connect with teenagers and show them that life without drugs can be amazing. That you can lift yourself out of the cycle of high highs and low lows. That it is possible to stop having those thoughts of being better off dead. That it is possible to have caring, nurturing, and healthy relationships with others, instead of hurting those you love most. Listen. If I can do it, anyone can. The first step, is to admit you have a problem. Then you just simply ask for help. You will be surprised at how many people actually care whether you live or die. And if you feel you don’t, know that I care and want you to live the happiest, most fulfilling life you can. I know it sounds dumb, but the only way to make it is to take life one day at a time. Fuck, quitting heroin forever? That’s fucking impossible. But not doing heroin for just today, that’s possible. And if you say that everyday of your life, then you can do it.
Next installment About Me Part 2: College coming soon. In the meantime, stay clean you motherfuckers!